Friday, December 30, 2005

The pressure of this new year in particular

This new year , as always, I feel under pressure to promise myself I'm going to do something to change my life. However, this time that pressure is stronger than ever, and somewhat overwhelming.

So as a first step I thought I would start a blog, and here I am. I am not sure it's going to change my life, but at least I am actually doing it rather than just thinking about doing it.

The next step will be the old favorite of giving up smoking on new year's day. The trouble is I have done it before & I was doing so well, and then Germaine Lindsay stepped onto my tube in Kings Cross on 7th July and blew himself and 26 innocent people up.....and, amongst many other things, I started smoking again.

So I have to stop, it is nearly 6 months now & if I don't they will have won in a very small but significant way. Just because they didn't kill me doesn't mean I should start killing myself. It has helped me through these months, it has been my 'treat'. Something I knew I shouldn't be doing which made it even more pleasurable. I told myself I deserved a bit of slack. Now I have to pull my socks up and stop wallowing in this excuse, it's no excuse.

So, 2005 is nearly over. I am here. I had never doubted I would be until that bomb exploded, and suddenly, for the second time in my life, I thought it was over. Last time was through illness & was a rather beautiful experience. This time was different and it was truly terrifying.

I'm not sure any of us on that tube can really believe that we are here, I certainly cannot comprehend what being here means. I feel I should do something drastic, give up my job, sail around the world, go and help the victims of the Tsunami to rebuild their lives, change my career to something more worthwhile. At the same time I feel I should learn to appreciate just being here surrounded by loved ones and learn to love my life again as it was.

I haven't started this blog to talk about what happened. Many others (Rachel in particular) have already done this spectacularly well. I have started it to talk about how it has changed me, my perception of life, my relationships with family and friends, my thoughts for the future, my political ideals. I have started it to share this with you and to try to discover if I am still me.