Tuesday, January 03, 2006

back to school tomorrow

well the 'holiday' is over - as they say in the good ole US of A. More on political correctness later!

I have had a wonderfully relaxing time spent with loved ones. I have eaten for england, scotland ireland and even wales!...and drunk for the whole world. I went to church, sang hymns, lit candles, gave and received presents, walked in the park, ran on the beach & along clifftops battered by horizontal rain. I have stayed up late, slept later and spent 10 blissful days ABOVE GROUND! Not a single tube, that was my christmas present to myself. Tomorrow I have to fight my way back on and it's going to be a damn rude awakening.

I have sat on the sofa all day long on this stolen bank holiday, I watched The Maltese Falcon, Ghandi, 102 Dalmations....my brain is numb. I tried to read a book and kept myself from searching my drawers for a stale old fag by knitting and chewing nicorette....it's revolting!

I feel refreshed, but still not quite ready to face the world tomorrow. These days my job has slipped from the forefront of my mind. It feels rather pointless, self indulgent and at the end of the day I just don't care as much anymore. Clients, deadlines, even colleagues no longer have the same importance, I feel removed from it all. I loved my job, I was good at it, last easter I was promoted to a Director, now I just don't care. My psychiatrist says that this could be seen as a good thing. It's healthy, he says, not to let work rule your life. He's right. But now it doesn't, I'm not quite sure what does, and that is what I need to find out.

I was invited to a very old friend's wedding at the end of January, in New Zealand. Recently I have found decisiveness to be somewhat elusive. I have been over and over whether to go or not until I bored myself sick. Eventually I decided not to. I have always been the queen of holdays, but somehow it felt like running away. 3 weeks in new Zealand with my dear friend, I would have had a ball. But then I would have had to come back, and what would have changed, nothing.

Last night she phoned me....she called off the wedding on New Years Eve. Poor man. Rcently a friend of hers has died, and another (yours truly) has had a near escape. She said that she'd realised that 'this isn't a dress rehearsal'. She knew it wasn't right & she called it off. It's sad, but right.

We all need to remeber that more often. It's just such a shame that it always seems to take such tragic events to remind us. So remember....be happy....you deserve it.