Tuesday, February 21, 2006

There is no escape

I know there are people around me who think that I am getting 'obsessive' about this 7th July business. I have also received comments on this blog saying that I am 'self obsessed' or 'self absorbed'. They may all be right, maybe I should 'move on', stop thinking about it, stop writing about it, but I can't.

I am so aware of people thinking this that I rarely talk about it. I don't talk about how terrified I am for my life every time I descend underground, how angry I am with Tony Blair, how desperately I am trying to understand the bombers, how deceived I feel by this government, how I am losing my faith in this world day by day, I feel as if I am drowning in a swamp of spin and bullshit. The only place I can talk about it is here. That's what this blog is for, to vent this frustration and express my disbelief.

There is no escape from this thing. The only time I really truly forget it is when I leave the country. When I am here it surrounds me. I have to take the tube every day. I spend over an hour of each day underground. I listen to the radio, I read the papers, I watch the news, I surf the web. It is everywhere. Reactionary terrorism bills, angry young Muslims, Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Guantanamo, Hamza, Palestine. Soon I will have to give my police statement, tonight I am going to City Hall to talk about the 7th July review committee, then I will be giving my testimony at the London Assembly. There will be the trial of the attempted bombers from 21st July, there will be the first year anniversary, and so it goes on. Trust me, it's not easy to move on, the odds are stacked against it.

So this week end I am running away. I am getting into my car and driving to the sea. It will be the first time since new year that I've been out of London. I am going to run on the beach, read trashy books, finish knitting a cardigan for my friend's baby, go to the butchers, the bakers and the local pub, chat to the neighbours and forget about all this for a couple of days.
The ocean is my church, it is more powerful than us all. When I'm in need of peace, that's where I go.